Saturday, October 3, 2009

Response - ability regarding our cravings

I love the word responsibility as it was broken down in the book, The Shack. The author shares a very eloquent way of saying we have the 'ability' to 'respond' thus...responsibility. We all have the ability to respond instead of reacting to situations. We all have choices! Making no decision is indeed making a decision.

If all of this chemical stuff we've been sharing in past blogs is happening within our bodies, how are we supposed to have any control over the outcomes and respond in a healthy way? Can't we just blame the fact that there are real chemical issues happening in our bodies? The answer is NO! The solution is not simple yet it is clear. Cravings, thus our response - behavior, are either trying to meet a need or create pleasure. Do you realize that you can crave a particular response? Think about it - the last time you wanted so much to tell that person off. That is a craving - but we have a choice in how we respond.

I was once told by a man that he couldn't control his sexual urges because, afterall, we're all animals. I was amazed at this otherwise very intelligent man who basically chose to excuse his behavior by blaming the animal part of his brain. What he was saying is that in this instance he wouldn't use the reasoning side of his brain - but simply behave in an animalistic manner. However, he didn't depend upon his animalistic brain when it came to business and finances.

Each of us have the responsibility to behave in a manner that allows both parts of our brains to work. We don't get to decide when it's okay to engage our ability to reason in some areas but not in those areas that we simply don't want to be accountable.

When it comes to destructive behavior ranging anywhere from drugs to depression, the first issue that has to be addressed is a genetic pre-disposition to such behaviors. Sometimes the destructive behavior is so engrained in our genes that the first experiment with substances could lead us into a lifetime of destruction. I recommend that you see a medical doctor to assess and treat this real issue. Medications can help tremendously and are sometimes necessary. Although we find that most women entering the Acres of Hope program eventually find they do not need medications - but it's often a good start. It's important that you work closely with your doctor to determine if medical treatment is necessary.

There is a 60/40 rule with medication. Most often, medications can help approximately 40% the problems but we still need to address 60% of the problems by choices we make. Medication will not make everything better - we still have work to do.

With bi-polar conditions, on the other hand, medications may resolve approximately 60% of the problems leaving 40% to be addressed through modifying behavior. So we can see the benefit of medication - but it is never a substitute for the work we must all do to improve ourselves. No pill takes away addictions, no pill resolves depression, no pill fixes our lives...the work is our responsibility - or our ability to respond.

Outside of the scope of medical causes, treatment for destructive behaviors has no systematic approach that works 100% of the time for everyone. However, those who have battled and won do indeed have built-in tactics that are the same across the board. Those include healthy support systems, addressing thought patterns and belief systems, understanding high-risk scenarios and establishing a plan before-hand. Knowing this shows that you have the ability to respond to behaviors (addictive and destructive) – and therefore have a responsibility in your recovery. Let's look at each of these foundational tactics.

Healthy support systems – AA groups around the world are the most successful in treating addictions because of their structure to supporting one another. Similar to bearing one another’s burdens, AA leaders understand that we can’t recover alone. Humans are herders and have a driving need to belong. Did you know that we cannot relapse while maintaining effective and authentic relationships? We must isolate from those who care about us - even if just emotionally. We also can’t change and expect to continue hanging out with the same crowd that hasn’t changed. We will have to drop some old associations. Think about anyone you know that have engaged in destructive behaviors. Do you recognize how they isolated them from others?

At Acres of Hope, one of the first things we share with our moms is that it is impossible for us to change without impacting every relationship in one of three ways. As we begin the journey of becoming healthy, such as setting new boundaries or assessing our world differently, those around us will always be challenged by our behavior.

This is because everything we see around us is compared to our belief systems. Let's say someone who has lived in a domestic violent situation suddenly establishes healthy boundaries. He/she no longer tolerates verbal or physical assaults. How do you suppose the offender would respond? One possibility is that the offender will be inspired by the new behavior, respecting the new boundaries and ultimately changed by the boundaries. However, this is the least likely response for anyone engaged in destructive behaviors. The people around us who will be inspired by our new behaviors are those who already engage in such behaviors.

Another possibility is that the offender will be threatened by the new boundaries and attempt to guilt/shame the victim back into the controlling relationship. He/she might use statements such as, "You think you're so perfect or so much better than me." Such statements happen because when faced with an opposing viewpoint you will either have to comply or resist it. If not ready to comply - resisting will first come as an attack.

If such an attack doesn't work, the offender might move into threat mode with statements that threaten breaking off the relationship. Their hope is to induce fear that has been laid in the controlling relationship that reminds the victim that he/she cannot happily exist without the offender.

What we learn from this is that adopting new behaviors will always be met with one of the above responses to some degree. If you are considering a new behavior to address destructive cycles - take a moment to draw a circle with two larger ones outside. On the inner circle, write the names of those who are the closest to you and have the most influence. On the next circle write the names of those who you care about but who do not influence you in a significant way. On the outer circle write the names of those who do not have an influence on your decisions.

Next consider each name you've written down and determine which of the three responses above each person is most likely to have with your changes. Then write out your response to that - would you be able to stand up to him/her? Could you handle it if he/she threatened that they would no longer be your friend or associate with you?

This is an important step because you cannot adopt new healthy behaviors without the influence of those around you buying into your efforts. Healthy support systems are critical to your success. We will lose some relationships and have to be willing to allow that to happen or our growth will ultimately be stunted. The good news is that we will also gain new relationships.

Thought patterns and belief systems – Thought patterns fill our mind and it’s from those thoughts that our actions are born. When we believe we are unlovable, we will ultimately behave in unloving ways. This creates a pattern whereby we set-up our failure with self-fulfilling prophecies. Each behavior that is over or under emotionally responsive is a signal that something is wrong. For example, if someone died and I go into the throws of a depression while mourning the loss - that could very well be a normal response. However, if someone didn't invite me to a get-together and I go into a depression because I feel rejected, that isn't a normal response. It's our responsibility to recognize where our reaction to circumstances (and even people) is not normal or healthy. One thing to ask is if our response is 'effective.' Does it serve a healthy purpose?

We are the only ones who can slow down the process long enough to take an inventory of what’s happening in our hearts. For example, if I become afraid because my roommate slammed the cabinet door, I should ask myself why I am feeling what I am feeling. Another person might not feel afraid but simply think to themselves that the roommate must be in a bad mood for some reason. If I am honest with myself I might find that I often internalize other people's behaviors as having to do with me with no evidence that this is an accurate assumption. I will not be able to make any significant changes until I can be safe enough to be honest about what I am really thinking.

My initial response to the slamming door may be to walk away and isolate for safety. But if I challenge my belief (and ultimately my actions) I might find a new way to cope with the situation and eventually remove the fear altogether. Reframing is when we take an old thought (in an old picture frame) and re-word it and put it into a new picture frame.

By learning about my thoughts and stating them outloud, perhaps I will then ask the roommate if slamming the door had anything to do with me. If they say it has nothing to do with me I can let it go - and if it has something to do with me I have the opportunity to address it. Either way, I no longer need to carry around the weight of internal criticisms. But without being honest with myself I will always be the victim of other's behaviors. This is certainly not a healthy way to live.

High-risk scenarios – Fighting craving patterns before they happen takes a lot of internal reflection and honesty. Finding patterns that have stimulated cravings in the past is one thing. Letting someone know about those patterns and planning ahead of time is another. A strong desire for change has to be in place. As stated above, strong healthy relationships have to be established in order to feel safe enough to honestly look at ourselves.

Because relapse happens over a period of time (typically two weeks), early signs can be identified and managed. Relapse doesn’t occur as an isolated event; rather it is preceded by relationship problems, worsening of lifestyle imbalances, or other internal or external stressors. We cannot avoid stressors in our lives – but we can set up a plan that can minimize the risk. In his curriculum, The Genesis Process, author Michael Dye has identified the steps that everyone goes through to relapse or giving up goals. Keep in mind that a relapse is breaking any commitment to change destructive behavior. It can be over-eating, not eating, yelling, not spending enough time with family or any behavior we've identified as destructive.

The acronym used by Michael Dye is FASTER. As we move down the faster scale we are more prone to relapse. F = Forgetting priorities, A = Anxiety, S = Speeding up, T = ticked off, E = Exhausted, R = Relapse!

Think about the last time you 'relapsed' back into old behaviors. Walk yourself down the faster scale. I'll use over-eating while you use your own personal experience. You've chosen to eat healthy and are invited to a party at a friends house. You arrive and see the layout of many choice dishes of food and decide to explain away the diet for one night - you've forgotten your priorities.

The next day you realize you got away with it and perhaps tell yourself that you can go through the drive through today - afterall, it's been a very busy day. You start feeling guilty over a few of these choices and you realize that you're falling behind your goals. You start feeling anxiety over your choices. You will either get back on track - out of relapse mode - or you will speed up to avoid such thoughts of failure.

If you continue to choose behaviors that are opposite of your goal you will become irritated, short tempered - or ticked off before becoming exhausted at the goal staring you in the face and can only maintain that for so long - until you give yourself permission to quit - thus relapse. Try going through the accronym FASTER in your situation. Can you find how you went through each step? I can gaurantee that you did go down this predictable scale. You weren't on track one day and then decide to give up without walking down this scale. The behaviors are often subtle - so think hard and be honest with yourself. Be a detective to see how you sabotage your goals.

Problem solving skills include efforts to reduce stressful factors, stress reduction exercises, role-playing high risk scenarios, or purposefully finding joy and positive things to think about. When we learn to recognize the warning signs it's as if we’re carrying our solutions with us wherever we go.

Establishing a plan before-hand – When someone is diagnosed with a disease, they take medications and alter their lifestyle according to the risks of that disease. Patients with heart problems, for example, may need to take medications daily and refrain from certain activities that would cause risk to the heart. In the same way, addicts or anyone struggling with destructive behaviors of any kind must learn that they will always ‘walk with a limp’ in some area of their life, meaning they need a crutch to help them overcome their struggle. This might mean never attending functions where alcohol is served, or it might simply mean that someone who can provide accountability attends with you. But knowing yourself well enough to make a plan and stick to it is a responsibility (ability to respond) that you have to own.

A lingering enemy to responsibility is denial. Denial can be thought of as a conditioned response to raise serotonin (satisfied feelings) around the thoughts, feelings or behavior we want to ignore. It's a way that we lie to our brains by telling the limbic system that 'it doesn't matter.' We become numb to any hope of escaping the situation so we lie to ourselves as an alternative. There is no effective way of escaping denial except through healthy supportive relationships where accountability is strong.

Finally, the situations that we put ourselves in can often set us up for relapses. We have the (ability to respond) to not play with fire. Our goal should be to reduce stress factors. Learning other life skills such as boundary setting, conflict resolution, etc. will be covered later in later blogs. But you have the ability today to begin setting the stage for your success or failure in overcoming destructive behaviors. You OWN your life, no one else does. It’s time today to put away denial, blaming, excuses and other coping behaviors that leave you stuck in your destructive behavior and take full responsibility for your life. Blaming others is actually giving up power or control of your life. Blaming makes you the victim and weakens your ability to respond.

Taking responsibility for cravings: Based upon the cravings you listed in the last blog, identify the belief system or thoughts surrounding the craving. Create a high-risk scenario for each one.

Finally, develop a plan for preventing this scenario. Who will be your support system (cheerleader) and who will be your accountability (the coach?)

Are you reading these blogs? Do you have feedback? I welcome your comments so I know if the information is useful or if you have other viewpoints. Feel free to make comments - better yet...become a follower and you'll receive updates on blog posts. Thanks for reading.

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