Saturday, October 3, 2009

Response - ability regarding our cravings

I love the word responsibility as it was broken down in the book, The Shack. The author shares a very eloquent way of saying we have the 'ability' to 'respond' thus...responsibility. We all have the ability to respond instead of reacting to situations. We all have choices! Making no decision is indeed making a decision.

If all of this chemical stuff we've been sharing in past blogs is happening within our bodies, how are we supposed to have any control over the outcomes and respond in a healthy way? Can't we just blame the fact that there are real chemical issues happening in our bodies? The answer is NO! The solution is not simple yet it is clear. Cravings, thus our response - behavior, are either trying to meet a need or create pleasure. Do you realize that you can crave a particular response? Think about it - the last time you wanted so much to tell that person off. That is a craving - but we have a choice in how we respond.

I was once told by a man that he couldn't control his sexual urges because, afterall, we're all animals. I was amazed at this otherwise very intelligent man who basically chose to excuse his behavior by blaming the animal part of his brain. What he was saying is that in this instance he wouldn't use the reasoning side of his brain - but simply behave in an animalistic manner. However, he didn't depend upon his animalistic brain when it came to business and finances.

Each of us have the responsibility to behave in a manner that allows both parts of our brains to work. We don't get to decide when it's okay to engage our ability to reason in some areas but not in those areas that we simply don't want to be accountable.

When it comes to destructive behavior ranging anywhere from drugs to depression, the first issue that has to be addressed is a genetic pre-disposition to such behaviors. Sometimes the destructive behavior is so engrained in our genes that the first experiment with substances could lead us into a lifetime of destruction. I recommend that you see a medical doctor to assess and treat this real issue. Medications can help tremendously and are sometimes necessary. Although we find that most women entering the Acres of Hope program eventually find they do not need medications - but it's often a good start. It's important that you work closely with your doctor to determine if medical treatment is necessary.

There is a 60/40 rule with medication. Most often, medications can help approximately 40% the problems but we still need to address 60% of the problems by choices we make. Medication will not make everything better - we still have work to do.

With bi-polar conditions, on the other hand, medications may resolve approximately 60% of the problems leaving 40% to be addressed through modifying behavior. So we can see the benefit of medication - but it is never a substitute for the work we must all do to improve ourselves. No pill takes away addictions, no pill resolves depression, no pill fixes our lives...the work is our responsibility - or our ability to respond.

Outside of the scope of medical causes, treatment for destructive behaviors has no systematic approach that works 100% of the time for everyone. However, those who have battled and won do indeed have built-in tactics that are the same across the board. Those include healthy support systems, addressing thought patterns and belief systems, understanding high-risk scenarios and establishing a plan before-hand. Knowing this shows that you have the ability to respond to behaviors (addictive and destructive) – and therefore have a responsibility in your recovery. Let's look at each of these foundational tactics.

Healthy support systems – AA groups around the world are the most successful in treating addictions because of their structure to supporting one another. Similar to bearing one another’s burdens, AA leaders understand that we can’t recover alone. Humans are herders and have a driving need to belong. Did you know that we cannot relapse while maintaining effective and authentic relationships? We must isolate from those who care about us - even if just emotionally. We also can’t change and expect to continue hanging out with the same crowd that hasn’t changed. We will have to drop some old associations. Think about anyone you know that have engaged in destructive behaviors. Do you recognize how they isolated them from others?

At Acres of Hope, one of the first things we share with our moms is that it is impossible for us to change without impacting every relationship in one of three ways. As we begin the journey of becoming healthy, such as setting new boundaries or assessing our world differently, those around us will always be challenged by our behavior.

This is because everything we see around us is compared to our belief systems. Let's say someone who has lived in a domestic violent situation suddenly establishes healthy boundaries. He/she no longer tolerates verbal or physical assaults. How do you suppose the offender would respond? One possibility is that the offender will be inspired by the new behavior, respecting the new boundaries and ultimately changed by the boundaries. However, this is the least likely response for anyone engaged in destructive behaviors. The people around us who will be inspired by our new behaviors are those who already engage in such behaviors.

Another possibility is that the offender will be threatened by the new boundaries and attempt to guilt/shame the victim back into the controlling relationship. He/she might use statements such as, "You think you're so perfect or so much better than me." Such statements happen because when faced with an opposing viewpoint you will either have to comply or resist it. If not ready to comply - resisting will first come as an attack.

If such an attack doesn't work, the offender might move into threat mode with statements that threaten breaking off the relationship. Their hope is to induce fear that has been laid in the controlling relationship that reminds the victim that he/she cannot happily exist without the offender.

What we learn from this is that adopting new behaviors will always be met with one of the above responses to some degree. If you are considering a new behavior to address destructive cycles - take a moment to draw a circle with two larger ones outside. On the inner circle, write the names of those who are the closest to you and have the most influence. On the next circle write the names of those who you care about but who do not influence you in a significant way. On the outer circle write the names of those who do not have an influence on your decisions.

Next consider each name you've written down and determine which of the three responses above each person is most likely to have with your changes. Then write out your response to that - would you be able to stand up to him/her? Could you handle it if he/she threatened that they would no longer be your friend or associate with you?

This is an important step because you cannot adopt new healthy behaviors without the influence of those around you buying into your efforts. Healthy support systems are critical to your success. We will lose some relationships and have to be willing to allow that to happen or our growth will ultimately be stunted. The good news is that we will also gain new relationships.

Thought patterns and belief systems – Thought patterns fill our mind and it’s from those thoughts that our actions are born. When we believe we are unlovable, we will ultimately behave in unloving ways. This creates a pattern whereby we set-up our failure with self-fulfilling prophecies. Each behavior that is over or under emotionally responsive is a signal that something is wrong. For example, if someone died and I go into the throws of a depression while mourning the loss - that could very well be a normal response. However, if someone didn't invite me to a get-together and I go into a depression because I feel rejected, that isn't a normal response. It's our responsibility to recognize where our reaction to circumstances (and even people) is not normal or healthy. One thing to ask is if our response is 'effective.' Does it serve a healthy purpose?

We are the only ones who can slow down the process long enough to take an inventory of what’s happening in our hearts. For example, if I become afraid because my roommate slammed the cabinet door, I should ask myself why I am feeling what I am feeling. Another person might not feel afraid but simply think to themselves that the roommate must be in a bad mood for some reason. If I am honest with myself I might find that I often internalize other people's behaviors as having to do with me with no evidence that this is an accurate assumption. I will not be able to make any significant changes until I can be safe enough to be honest about what I am really thinking.

My initial response to the slamming door may be to walk away and isolate for safety. But if I challenge my belief (and ultimately my actions) I might find a new way to cope with the situation and eventually remove the fear altogether. Reframing is when we take an old thought (in an old picture frame) and re-word it and put it into a new picture frame.

By learning about my thoughts and stating them outloud, perhaps I will then ask the roommate if slamming the door had anything to do with me. If they say it has nothing to do with me I can let it go - and if it has something to do with me I have the opportunity to address it. Either way, I no longer need to carry around the weight of internal criticisms. But without being honest with myself I will always be the victim of other's behaviors. This is certainly not a healthy way to live.

High-risk scenarios – Fighting craving patterns before they happen takes a lot of internal reflection and honesty. Finding patterns that have stimulated cravings in the past is one thing. Letting someone know about those patterns and planning ahead of time is another. A strong desire for change has to be in place. As stated above, strong healthy relationships have to be established in order to feel safe enough to honestly look at ourselves.

Because relapse happens over a period of time (typically two weeks), early signs can be identified and managed. Relapse doesn’t occur as an isolated event; rather it is preceded by relationship problems, worsening of lifestyle imbalances, or other internal or external stressors. We cannot avoid stressors in our lives – but we can set up a plan that can minimize the risk. In his curriculum, The Genesis Process, author Michael Dye has identified the steps that everyone goes through to relapse or giving up goals. Keep in mind that a relapse is breaking any commitment to change destructive behavior. It can be over-eating, not eating, yelling, not spending enough time with family or any behavior we've identified as destructive.

The acronym used by Michael Dye is FASTER. As we move down the faster scale we are more prone to relapse. F = Forgetting priorities, A = Anxiety, S = Speeding up, T = ticked off, E = Exhausted, R = Relapse!

Think about the last time you 'relapsed' back into old behaviors. Walk yourself down the faster scale. I'll use over-eating while you use your own personal experience. You've chosen to eat healthy and are invited to a party at a friends house. You arrive and see the layout of many choice dishes of food and decide to explain away the diet for one night - you've forgotten your priorities.

The next day you realize you got away with it and perhaps tell yourself that you can go through the drive through today - afterall, it's been a very busy day. You start feeling guilty over a few of these choices and you realize that you're falling behind your goals. You start feeling anxiety over your choices. You will either get back on track - out of relapse mode - or you will speed up to avoid such thoughts of failure.

If you continue to choose behaviors that are opposite of your goal you will become irritated, short tempered - or ticked off before becoming exhausted at the goal staring you in the face and can only maintain that for so long - until you give yourself permission to quit - thus relapse. Try going through the accronym FASTER in your situation. Can you find how you went through each step? I can gaurantee that you did go down this predictable scale. You weren't on track one day and then decide to give up without walking down this scale. The behaviors are often subtle - so think hard and be honest with yourself. Be a detective to see how you sabotage your goals.

Problem solving skills include efforts to reduce stressful factors, stress reduction exercises, role-playing high risk scenarios, or purposefully finding joy and positive things to think about. When we learn to recognize the warning signs it's as if we’re carrying our solutions with us wherever we go.

Establishing a plan before-hand – When someone is diagnosed with a disease, they take medications and alter their lifestyle according to the risks of that disease. Patients with heart problems, for example, may need to take medications daily and refrain from certain activities that would cause risk to the heart. In the same way, addicts or anyone struggling with destructive behaviors of any kind must learn that they will always ‘walk with a limp’ in some area of their life, meaning they need a crutch to help them overcome their struggle. This might mean never attending functions where alcohol is served, or it might simply mean that someone who can provide accountability attends with you. But knowing yourself well enough to make a plan and stick to it is a responsibility (ability to respond) that you have to own.

A lingering enemy to responsibility is denial. Denial can be thought of as a conditioned response to raise serotonin (satisfied feelings) around the thoughts, feelings or behavior we want to ignore. It's a way that we lie to our brains by telling the limbic system that 'it doesn't matter.' We become numb to any hope of escaping the situation so we lie to ourselves as an alternative. There is no effective way of escaping denial except through healthy supportive relationships where accountability is strong.

Finally, the situations that we put ourselves in can often set us up for relapses. We have the (ability to respond) to not play with fire. Our goal should be to reduce stress factors. Learning other life skills such as boundary setting, conflict resolution, etc. will be covered later in later blogs. But you have the ability today to begin setting the stage for your success or failure in overcoming destructive behaviors. You OWN your life, no one else does. It’s time today to put away denial, blaming, excuses and other coping behaviors that leave you stuck in your destructive behavior and take full responsibility for your life. Blaming others is actually giving up power or control of your life. Blaming makes you the victim and weakens your ability to respond.

Taking responsibility for cravings: Based upon the cravings you listed in the last blog, identify the belief system or thoughts surrounding the craving. Create a high-risk scenario for each one.

Finally, develop a plan for preventing this scenario. Who will be your support system (cheerleader) and who will be your accountability (the coach?)

Are you reading these blogs? Do you have feedback? I welcome your comments so I know if the information is useful or if you have other viewpoints. Feel free to make comments - better yet...become a follower and you'll receive updates on blog posts. Thanks for reading.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Cravings

Cravings are an uncomfortable, intrusive, obsessional thought that can initiate an action to obtain the specific object or activity. A craving is an extreme biological response to take away (or numb) pain.

Desire, want and need are normal biological responses without the obsessional features that define craving. We all have cravings. They can range from small pangs of pain that can be ignored up the scale to pain that interferes with our concentration and ability to perform tasks and ultimately ends in a focus that will remove the pain at all costs.

An early bible story tells of two brothers - one who was so hungry that he gave away his birth right for a bowl of stew. His hunger was so powerful that he threw away something of great importance. It was only when the pain was removed, his stomach full, that he realized what he did. Remember, yesterday's post shared how our ability to think logically goes down relative to the stresses in our lives.

Originally, cravings were a response meant to occurr only when survival was at stake. Starvation, for example, would produce intense pain and allow only those thoughts/actions that would remove the pain such as get food at all costs! But the more sin enters our life, wounds make their mark on our hearts - a different type of pain has set in. This new kind of pain is emotional pain and needs to be addressed as well as physical pains.

But what happens to those who have not been allowed to express their emotions or have been subject to emotional abuse? How do they rid themselves of the pain? Like a physical wound, emotional wounds end up in our bodies and if left to fester they will infect us. Treatment of emotional wounds include the ability to express the emotions and have them accepted in a positive way. The problem is that we are relying on other emotionally wounded people who are not perfect to meet our need. They often make the wound worse. So we turn to alternatives.

A recent newsclip shared about a new addiction that is sweeping our culture - the internet! A young student shared about his journey of playing an online video game. It began quite innocent but before he knew it he was playing more than 14 hours a day. In fact, he stopped attending college classes in order to play. Through therapy he found that through playing the game, he entered a world where he wasn't judged by others because they couldn't see him. In fact, he played a character in the game where he possessed extreme power which brought him respect.

He contrasts that to his lonely real-world where he is thought of as a 'geek' and was socially awkward. He escaped his this pain and entered a world where he was not only accepted, but pushed up in the ranks as a master. What power that he could not attain otherwise! Remember that the limbic system does not understand information. For you or I to explain the stupidity of this logic would be a futile effort. He knew it as well - but his limbic system had a need to be accepted. He stumbled across the solution and his brain drove him to repeatedly obtain that same emotion at any cost.

Cravings are a short-cut to getting our needs met. In the example above, if the need of being part of the crowd had been met, most likely he wouldn't have developed this craving to play games in a fantasy world. The body is designed to crave the ‘thing’ that takes away the pain. The ‘thing,’ however, is meant to be something good. Food, relationship, clothing, and shelter are examples of good things that meet our needs. But we've learned to live in a 'drive-through' or 'microwave' world where we want the need met now - and magnified.

We've learned not only can we get our needs met quickly through a substitute, but we can obtain the satisfaction much more stronger and intensly than through natural channels. Let's sumarize a few blog posts together - Our bodies are always seeking to balance themselves (homeostasis), and they are designed to cause us to seek what we need to function at an optimum level. This is all done through chemicals in our bodies that send messages through the pathways in our brain - and thus messages to instruct the body.

Most of us aren't craving the basics such as food, clothing or shelter for our survival. While that is a sad reality for many in the world, most of us take the natural things we need and exploit them to increase our satisfaction or substitute what was meant to bring balance with a much easier alternative. For example, we are designed for relationships. But most often, the emotional damage we incur came from relationships. So the natural response is to avoid the thing that harmed us - the relationship. So we begin walking down an unnatural path. Many substitute food, shopping and many other alternatives rather than close intimate relationships.

Beyond the basic human needs, healthy relationships are our biggest need. They set a chemical reaction in our bodies that give satisfaction. The hormone, oxytocin, for example, plays an important role in bonding and building trust. The July issue of Psychiatry reports a study which shows that oxytocin is associated with the ability to maintain healhty interpersonal relationships and healthy psychological boundaries with other people. A relaxation massage can increase levels of oxytocin. Holding a child, hugging someone and patting someone on the back can raise oxytocin. But the recollection of a negative memory causes oxytocin to be reduced. Mothers who have not bonded well with their child have been shown to have low levels of oxytocin. Chemicals make a difference in how we attach, thus how we relate to others. This is only one of many examples of how our mind impact our chemical balance - and ultimately our ability to sustain healthy relationships.

So what happens to those whose chemicals are 'off?' If we engage in the activities of relationships in the way we were meant to, most of us will find the balance our bodies crave. However, if introduced to an alternative such as 'comfort food' or sadly, drugs...our body may very well crave that substitute due to it's ease of attainment. It's much easier to be comforted by a bowl of ice cream than to bond with a new neighbor.

Cravings are created through conditioned responses. A scientist named Pavlov conducted an experiment where he rang a bell to signal dinner for a dog. After repeating the action many times along with food, the dog connected the sound of the bell to food, something pleasurable. Pavlov could eventually ring the bell and the dog would salivate in anticipation of the food it expected.

In the same way, many things in our environment can set off a craving based upon our past experiences. One example is the tinkling of ice cubes in a glass that signals alcohol to one person and a soda pop to another. What is actually driving the craving is the pattern recognition (sound of ice) the limbic brain is responding to. Seeing a junkie’s syringe will not stimulate us to think narcotics if the needle had not previously been associated with the delivery of the drug. Once conditioned, however, the ability of the brain to scan for connections (needle to feeling of drug) allow just the needle to produce a craving response. The chemicals are set into action requesting that a need be met even if the need didn’t exist in the first place – the brain is simply seeking pleasure.

The same idea occurs wtih any other addiction or craving. Say a young girl is rejected by a boy due to her being overweight. She hits the gym to work out and learns that her new body gets the attention of other boys. Her brain associates the thin body that came from working out is good. If not managed, this too can become an addiction for her. Any sign of unwanted weight can kick her into high gear at the gym. It becomes obsessional when her idea of being overweight is not the norm - and she can never be good enough.

The part of the limbic system that is tapped into is the reward center of the brain. Satisfaction and reward. Think about that. I believe the majority of our culture is addicted to 'performance.' We are rewarded for performance - as we should be. But when that need to obtain the reward takes priority over spending time at home with our families - is it still a good thing? It's all misuse of the good things that God intended for us. We were meant to manage these things rather than they manage us.

Cravings are very complex and too extensive to expound upon in one lesson. No simple explanation can be found to solve cravings and answer how they come and go. But consider, for example, that you drink enough to numb pain that you’re feeling. However, you get sick the following morning. Which memory does the limbic system retain? The negative response to alcohol or the numbing effect? In short, it retains both.

It recalls information on separate levels and only the logic brain groups the information together. If you are challenged with the same pain that caused you to drink in the first place, the limbic system will crave the alcohol that solved the problem before without giving thought to the part about being sick. If, on the other hand, the pain has been resolved through a healthy activity and you see a bottle of alcohol that made you sick, the limbic system will most likely be repulsed by the alcohol. It depends upon the underlying need – thus showing the importance of us to be aware of our needs and wants rather than stuffing them.

Cravings that cause me to crash – List 3-5 cravings you are aware of that have caused you problems in the past. Can you identify where this craving began in your life and associate it to any event or patterns of events? Can you then identify the need that is being met through this alternative source? How are you expecting others in your life today to meet those needs? Is there anyone that you can share this with? You can work through some of these things as we walk through upcoming blogs.

Jesus said He came to give us life - and to give it to us abundantly. We weren't meant for the hurt that we experience. What are 3-5 things that bring you joy? Find a way this week to experience at least one of those things. When your needs are met - stress levels stay manageable - and thus cravings also become manageable.

Watch this video - and take note of how many different things people crave. Especially those that have nothing to do with food or traditional cravings. Can you see these cravings in you or the culture around you?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Reach for the wise mind!

Simplistically speaking, our brain was designed with two parts, limbic and neo-cortex, meant to compliment each other and speak the same language. Designed with different functions, the ultimate goal of both sides of the brain is to sustain life (limbic) – and to sustain it with quality (neo-cortex).

When we are born, the neo-cortex has not fully developed and therefore we cannot reason as babies. It’s for this reason that you can’t introduce a baby to its mother and father. Instead, the baby learns relationship based upon experience and emotion – not logic. All other relationships are learned in the same way and are built upon these initial learning experiences. The neo-cortex develops significantly during our first five years of life and isn’t finished until our mid 20’s.

The limbic system, on the other hand, is in full swing at birth. Taking in every event and tagging them, the young baby begins to understand the world based upon the feelings it gets from responses to each event. Every event and sight the baby takes in is tagged by an emotional response related to life or death. If it’s good, the limbic brain wants to repeat the experience. If it’s negative, the limbic system tries to avoid it.

As the child grows and the neo-cortex begins to develop, logic is added to the many messages already printed upon the brain. Ideally, these two parts of the brain will speak the same language. A baby learns by experience the warmth and affection of a mother is a good thing. As a child, he/she later learns logically that mothers are our caretakers and can therefore be trusted. Both parts of the brain are speaking the same language. Peace and joy are the resulting factors. Bonding and relationships are the healthy foundation for this child.

However, if the child suffers abuse or abandonment, the emotions within the child are vastly different from the information received. The child emotionally learns that the world is not a safe place and he/she must be hyper-vigilant (always on the lookout) for things that might cause harm or to care for itself. When taught that families are where we are loved and safe, this child’s brain begins speaking two different languages. The logic side doesn’t agree with the emotional side. We call this a limbic lag – meaning the limbic is lagging behind what logic would otherwise tell it. This creates stress with peace and joy being thwarted.

As shown in the diagram to the right, the emotional brain (limbic) and the logical brain (neo-cortex) are separated due to conflicting information. We call the limbic system our emotional brain, and the neo-cortex our logical brain. When decisions have to be made, or responses are necessary, how does the body know which side of the brain to listen to in order to generate a response?

Much of our decision-making skills lies in the stress factor of our life. Stress is obviously expressed through our emotions - so we can intuitively tell that it is the emotional side of the brain that is in high gear during these times.

We make poor choices in times of high stress because the two sides of the brain are working opposite of each other. When stress levels rise, our ability to reason (logic) diminishes. When stress levels are brought down our ability to reason increases. Choices made solely from the logic side of the brain can often appear cold and calculated.

In normal (low stress) states, the neo-cortex can override and shut down the limbic system if necessary by pulling information and analyzing the situation. Thus an emotional response is over-ridden by a logical thought. Yet, in times of high stress, the limbic system will usually bypass the neo-cortex system and shut down our ability to make wise choices. The limbic system could care less what logic the brain might carry with it. Choices made solely from the emotional side of the brain can often appear to lack intelligence, be irrational - or stupid!

However, if we can learn to operate in the area that the two parts of the brain overlap, we can make wise choices by using both our logic and our emotions. We call this the wise mind. We all know of times when our emotional responses have harmed us. It’s our emotional responses that cause us to not follow through on goals, New Year’s resolutions, or maintain our value systems.

We also know of times that we've shut off emotions to our detriment. The use of the logic part of the brain without engaging emotion will cause isolation and independence. It’s the emotion side of the brain that promotes bonding. Like animals that herd, there is safety in flocks and herds. It’s that animal part of our brain that lets us trust others, yet also causes us to doubt others. Without the emotional side of our brain we lack the ability to bond to others for support, safety and comfort.

The further apart these two parts of the brain are in relating, the less ability we have to make wise choices. Our goal is to identify the instances in our lives where the logic and emotion are not in sync in order to avoid quick reactions. We then need to find where the ‘wise mind’ operates – even if it’s minimal - in order to increase those experiences.

The limbic system learns by experience. The neo-cortex learns by information. A person wants to bond and trust others based on the information that tells them that relationships are valuable. But their instincts or gut responses push people away based upon the experiences they've had over time. The limbic system will never be healed by learning more information, attending one more seminar or being told once again by someone. It will only heal when it experiences the opposite of what it's logged as dangerous. In times of low stress, such a person will most often reach out in a healthy way to be in relationship.

However, in times of high stress this person will sabotage relationships with their behavior. So you can see how stress levels greatly impact our ability to be emotionally stable. In addition, we need to move toward the very things we're reacting to out of fear and overcome those faulty belief systems with new behaviors.

This means we have to continually learn information and put it into practice in order to re-wire and heal the limbic responses. Each effort challenges old belief systems and forms new pathways for the brain to think and respond, bringing the two sides closer in communication.

We need each other during this process. It's a give and take process. There are times and situations in our lives where our ‘wise mind’ is larger (plenty of overlap in the two parts of the brain) than other instances. During these times we seem stronger and more able to make wise choices. Less damage has been done to us emotionally in these areas. This is where we help others - we give from our surplus.

On the other hand, the times when our ‘wise mind’ is more narrow (little overlap of the two parts of the brain) are when we make sloppy and quick choices that aren’t effective or beneficial. It’s important to ask for and receive help from others during these times. Obedience to what we know rather than what we feel will reflect our willingness during these times.

We all have areas in our lives where we are strong and able to make wise decisions. Each of us also have areas in our lives where we lack the strength to make wise decisions. Where are you lagging? Identify at least one area where you’ve responded from a limbic lag. Have you ever set a New Year's resolution or goal only to give up? This can be a clue to an area that you are unable to make wise choices and have a limbic lag and in times of stress you give in.

You may have heard that addiction is a disease - that some people are predisposed to falling into addictive behavior. Many people consider addictive behavior to be sin rather than a disease - something bad that someone does. Unfortunately, it's not that simple. Addictive behavior is a coping mechanism. It's a learned behavior that is triggered by cravings in the brain. The good news is that the brain can heal itself. But it is a long process and anyone struggling with addictive behavior must have a solid support system around them with strong accountability. This is a mixture of the cheerleader and a coach.

Think about the last time that you were 'really stressed out!' So much so that your emotions were stronger than they should have been and they got the better of you. How easy was it for you to make wise decisions during that time compared to a time when your emotions were relatively low?

Now think back to how you handled the situation. How was your body feeling inside? What urges did you have? What thoughts were going through your mind? How did your stress show itself physically - that is, what would someone else have been able to see with their eyes? Compare your response with other times that you've experienced high levels of stress. Do you see patterns of how you cope?

Some people yell, some throw things, some go silent, some cry...but the ways to cope go on and on...and yes, some turn to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain. This is a sad but real way of coping. The chemicals in the drugs/alcohol affect the brain in a way that the body finds that it can ignore the stress/pain that the person is experiencing. Remember, the limbic system is constantly seeking to attain to a balanced state that feels normal even if it's in a way that is unhealthy.

We first learn from others how to cope. Then those around us affirm or reject our ways of coping and we modify our behavior to 'fit in.' Someone who learned from a young age to scream obscenities might, for example, have learned that this got the attention of those around him/her. As an adult, however, they probably found that this wasn't an acceptable way of coping with stress and therefore learned to curb his/her behavior.

But the brain has tagged such emotional events with a high level of satisfaction received from being heard. Unless this person learns how to be heard in a healthy way and thus obtain the same satisfaction, the brain will want to resort to the old way in order to obtain this satisfaction. Thus a craving is created. The craving is to achieve the same response that felt good rather than be proper and yet unsatisfied.

Here is something you can try on your own to better understand how the brain searches for the easiest pathway to achieve its goal. Take a pen and piece of paper out. Write your name as many times as you can, as neatly as you can for 30 seconds. Next, turn the paper over and do the same thing only this time use your other hand to write with. How did that feel? You probably would say something like it is uncomfortable, slow and sloppy to write with the other hand.

Now, think about how you'd feel if I told you that you must always write with the other hand for the rest of your life. You can not go back to writing with the hand that you're used to writing with. You would probably feel some anxiety. This is what it feels like - only magnified - to anyone trying to give up an old behavior or addiction.

Now, consider yourself at the grocery store line writing a check. (You have no ATM!) All is well as you slowly complete the check but then you notice that the line behind you is getting longer every second and there are no other checkstands for anyone to go through. How would you want to respond? You would most likely want to throw your pen in the other hand and do what you know how to do best, right? That's the craving that those trying to break an old behavior or addiction feel like when stress levels rise.

We'll talk about cravings in the next post - but this is, very simplistically, how addictions begin. The emotional brain (limbic) doesn't care about how it's supposed to behave - it only wants satisfaction at any cost in order to feel okay and normal again. Many of us are affected by addiction somewhere in our lives - whether it is socially acceptable addictions or not socially acceptable addictions. If you don't identify with this, odds are that you'll know someone at some point who has an addictive personality.

When you do have to deal with this personally or alongside another, I hope that this blog will help you to better understand what is happening in the brain and begin to bring healing rather than judgment. There is hope for the addict - drugs, food, work, sex, shopping, sleeping, drama...you name it - there is hope.