Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Change the way you see others

It’s difficult to stay strong in Asset-Based Thinking (ABT) when others turn away your ideas or don’t follow this kind of thinking. You’ll benefit from positive filters that help you get more traction when others seem to be going against the grain of ABT. You’ll begin to see others as an asset and recognize he/she is a work in progress. You’ll reduce your impact to angry outbursts, accusatory language, difficult behaviors, or the scapegoating of others. You’ll be able to deflect their disturbing behavior, suspend judgment, and investigate interests, needs and motives behind the surface that fuels negative behavior.

Two common traits that broken people share is 1. The need to sit in our pain and 2. The need for others (even those who weren't a part of the cause) to fix it. Let me explain as I was a subscriber to this way of living far too long! Matthew 18:7 says, "Woe to the world because of its stumbling blocks! For it is inevitable that stumbling blocks come; but woe to that man through whom the stumbling block comes!"

The first thing that I see here is that Jesus is announcing (quite plainly) that things will happen to us - life won't be easy. But secondly He's also announcing that we're not to be the one through whom these troubles come. Yet we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God - so things WILL and DO come through us - unfortunately. Finally, I see that He's saying that there is a consequence when it does come through us.

With that said, let me say that hurting people hurt other people! Repeat that if it didn't sink in. If you read that and think, "Of course, many have hurt me..." then you didn't hear it correctly. Also, if you read that sentance and CAN'T think to yourself, "that's why they hurt me..." then you didn't hear it correctly. It's packed with truth.

Where does sin start? As far as we're concerned sin started wherever it affected me! Now we wouldn't say that out loud because it's crazy thinking. Yet, it's certainly how we instinctively respond in our hearts. Those who sinned against us were sinned against! We need to address our bitterness toward them no matter how disgusting or harmful the sin was and live with grace and forgiveness. That doesn't mean we don't have boundaries nor do we agree with them. It simply means that having judgment and bitterness only serves to harm us - not them. Forgiveness isn't for the offender - it's for the forgiver!

Also, we need to address the probability that we're hurting others. When we recognize our pain, allow God to heal it and move on - that's what healthy is. Jesus came to give us life and give it more abundantly. But when we recognize our pain and find some sick strength in living in it - constantly making it known and never healing - we cannot say that we've found Christ in it! That's not how He does it!

People have hurt us - and we've hurt people. So if you read any of these posts and think to yourself that you know someone who needs to hear this because of how they've treated you - you're reading with the wrong motive. It is always first, and foremost, for you...the reader!

Simply by applying what's in here the world around you will change! You can't change anyone - only yourself! But when that happens it seems that the whole world has changed. Now that doesn't mean to sweep it under the rug and ignore what has happened. We need to deal with the thoughts, emotions and beliefs we have. We need to be accountable to them on a daily basis. Even if they were put there by someone else's actions or words - they are ours now. It's time to take them captive and determine who is in charge - the thoughts/beliefs/emotions or me?

We were all born with instinctive positive filters that allow for ABT. Think of how children assume the best. Unfortunately, the positive filters have been overshadowed and shut down by Deficit-Based Thinking (DBT). You can regain ABT skills by praising and acknowledging people for what they have done. See each individual as an asset and recognize that they, like you, are a work in progress.

Conflict magnifies who you are. It startles you and challenges you to see what makes you uncomfortable. It pushes your boundaries, intellectual thinking, emotional well-being, and physical safety. Conflict, if treated properly, offers the chance to change your mind altogether.

When our emotions are in tact (low and manageable) we have more access to the logic part of our brain. However, when emotions begin to rise, the ability to think logically drops. The stronger emotions are the less cognitive (thinking) ability we have. So how you see others - and whether or not you allow them under your skin - will impact your ability to make wise choices.

When faced with conflict, explore the possibility that opposing forces can both be right (true) simultaneously. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person by asking, "What must he/she believe about the situation in order to behave/believe the way they do?" Also, explore the possibility that though another's opinion may not be 'truth' it IS there opinion nonetheless! Compassion and grace causes us to try to empathize with them enough to understand how they got to that belief.

Taking this perspective – and giving up your instinctual perspective – immediately dissolves animosity and piques curiosity. You find yourself wondering, “What’s their reality? Where is the value on their side?” When you finally give up the belief that yours is the only truth, it changes the game forever! Now you’re in a position to see what new truth you can create together.

Focus + Distance = Clarity

The closer we are to a situation the less we are able to see. We need to step back (emotionally) and have emotional distance to see situations clearly.

Deconstruct – You can diffuse your negative reactions by asking yourself, “What would I be thinking or feeling if I behaved the way they did?” Once you realize that disturbing or irritating behavior is an integral part of everyone’s repertoire, you can choose to be less reactive. You can choose to accept people for who they are and who they aren’t. You facilitate constructive relationships.

Reconstruct – Use ABT to replace the picture you have of the other person’s negative attitudes and behaviors. Choose to remind yourself of his/her strengths and most attractive qualities. Bring a more accurate picture into focus based upon the positive assessment. This new point of view is an asset to moving forward in the relationship.

Everyone is on a continuum of learning. Consider, for example, a skill such as working on a computer. The chart below indicates a continuum of learning in this area. Some people have absolutely no typing or computer skills and would be lost on a computer. Others are masters and can program. Where would you rate yourself?

X-----------------------X--------------------------X------------------------X
No skill-----------Can get by-------------Pretty efficient-------------Master

Think about your patience for those who rate lower than you. Think about how you view those who rate higher than you. How might someone view you in this area? What about other areas? Think about areas that you’re great at and areas that you’re not such a pro. Are you able to allow others to be in a different place on the continuum of learning and ability than you? Are you able to allow yourself to be in a different place than others? This is where Grace comes in!

We are all somewhere on a continuum for any area in our life. Sometimes we’ve mastered a skill or concept and should be available to help those who are struggling in this area. Other times we have little or no skill in an area and should look to others for help. Everyone is good at something and everyone is bad at something. Learning to see others this way can help us ‘forgive’ or have patience.

ABT fosters speedy resolutions – not hasty ones. Take time to get beyond the noise of defenses. Formulate your message and tell the truth fast. State the behavior that bothers you very clearly using “I” statements. State the impact the behavior had upon you and the relationship – remember it’s the relationship you’re trying to save…not yourself! Present a positive solution of how to resolve the conflict. Finally, be willing to accept the other person’s response. Hint: You may resolve a conflict but there may be leftover emotions – these are a clue to a need that you have. However, they aren’t always the reason behind the conflict.

What about situations when the other person(s) is unwilling or unable to reconstruct or repair a relationship? What do we do with the hopelessness in this situation? Consider Lynn.

Lynn met her mother as an adult but never really developed a relationship because of the geographical distance between them. Lynn learned that her mother was dying so she flew to visit her. During her visit the family asked Lynn if she could pay for the funeral expenses for her mother as none of them had the money. Lynn replied by letting the family members know she also lacked the funds to help. The family became bitter with Lynn and loaded her with the guilt of her dying mother not having a proper burial.

The family blamed Lynn for holding grudges against her mother. They couldn't see any other reasons behind Lynn's decision. As a result, the family broke all ties with Lynn. Lynn went home with much sadness and processed this with God. She asked God how she could recover from the pain since the family wouldn’t believe her and she couldn’t make them understand that she would help if she could.

God gave her a glimpse of her mom in heaven. He gave her peace in knowing that her mom would see the truth of situations once she’s left this earth. The same is true for the other family members. What God wanted Lynn to understand is that she didn’t need to prove herself to anyone other than her heavenly Father. Trusting in God to make the situation right meant letting go of the outcome she sought and see it through a heavenly perspective. Lynn would receive no resolution this side of heaven - but still needed to resolve the left-over emotions.

We are so bound by limitations that we often hang onto despair or other thoughts and emotions. This isn’t how God intended it to be for us. We can’t always see the truth the way God see’s it. But we can hope in the fact that there will be a day when all will be revealed. He will make the wrongs right – but we might have to give up our expectation and accept His way.


Find others to imitate! The fastest way to learn something is to imitate a role model. We learned to walk, talk and speak by watching those around us. Imitate what you admire in others who handle their emotions well, and practice the skills you see to acquire for yourself. Become a student rather than a judge. Enjoy the differences of people! Enjoy seeing the world through ABT!

1 comment:

  1. Love the new format Regina. I won't be commenting a whole lot on these blogs until you get to Iowa and start writing things I've not yet read :-). I'm thankful you have this venue to get the word out to so many about the areas of life that we tuck away and never address. God bless you, friend!

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