Where emotional pain resides

I am learning about blogging and though experimenting at this time, I thougth I should have something to say. I've titled my blog "Destructive Cycles" because of my passion for challenging the belief systems that drive destructive behaviors. I hope to use this blog not only as a tool for learning how to blog, but perhaps to provide useful information to someone out there - however it is that people get this information. So welcome to my journey - I hope I can provide something for someone.

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I run a program for homeless women with children in which we address a wide variety of issues. The issues include, but are not limited to, substance abuse, domestic violence, childhood abuse and trauma, sexual abuse and other issues that are all symptoms of the breakdown in family values.

As we try to address the reasons behind any one of these issues, such as homelessness, I have yet to find my instincts proven wrong as to the cause and affect of such debilitating occurances. Broken relationships. It's that simple, yet that complex. 1. We're designed (yes, I believe that God has designed/created us in His image) for relationships. 2. We've been wounded by relationships. 3. We avoid intimacy in relationships to avoid future pain. 4. The very thing we fear is the very thing we need! So how do we go forward and enjoy healthy relationships?

1. We're designed for relationships

Follow my logic here - and if you're someone who has been burned by, offended by, or simply can't stand religion...sift through for the non-bible stuff. It's in here, somewhere. First, we were created in God's image. God, the trinity, is the first example of relationships. God said, "It is not good for man to be alone." "Two are better than one...a cord of three is not easily broken." We need other people.

The law of physics states that things that are isolated move toward deterioration. Junk heaps will turn into rustier junk heaps. Vegetables will turn into mold. Spiritually speaking this is true also. The ultimate punishment of sin is hell – being cut off from God. This is so severe that God sent His son to be ‘separated’ from Him in order to restore mankind. (Isaiah 53:8 He was cut off out of the land of the living.) Your ‘attachment muscle’ needs to be exercised or it will not grow properly but rather deteriorate. (quote from Hiding from Love by Dr. John Townsend.)

Doctors work hard at making sure that newborn babies bond as quickly as possible with their mothers, making birth a welcoming experience. From there we spend a significant amount of time making sure that the child has a sense of belonging and safety. Thousands of experiences relate this message in subtle ways. The child internalizes the message of belonging which serves as a foundation when the child begins to explore and wander beyond the life of the parents. As mentioned in Ephesians 3:17, we are then ‘rooted in love.’ We are attached.

When painful experiences occur outside the safety net of families, we have a place to run back to. We are comforted and then venture out again. This reassurance that the world is a safe place to live in is a key element to emotional stability.

A child who panics when the mother leaves the room is reassured when she returns. These simple acts that are often not planned become lessons for the child in later years. The child learns, experientially and not logically, that absence doesn’t mean that we’re alone. Absence can be temporary but the emotional growth that occurs allows the child to grow and not ‘need’ to attach every moment with others. They become independent but able to attach in an imtimate manner.

The messages are tagged in the Limbic System portion of the brain. The limbic system is responsible for our safety - survival. Everything in this part of our brain is coded as safe or unsafe / life threatening or death! The limbic system doesn't understand time nor logic. It is the 'emotional brain.' It is well formed at birth and logs information based upon experiences. Loading the mind with information does little for this part of the brain. It responds only to experiences. This means that for healing to occur, the person must experience a new way of thinking. So attending a class does little for this part of the brain.

The neo-cortex or 'logic brain,' on the other hand, doesn't complete its growth until we're about 25 years old. The logic brain, in comparison to the emotional brain, stores information that we learn in classes. So I can teach you information but you won't fully internalize it until you practice it - that is...put it to the test so that both parts of the brain 'get it!'

Why is this important? If your emotional brain has one message (danger) yet your logic brain has another message (safety), which one wins out to get a response from you? Paul asks this question in Romans 7, "Why do I do the things that I don't want to do?" He goes on to say, "It's like I'm at war with my mind." He talks about sin winning out in him. The sin he is speaking of are the 'desires' or 'temptations' within him. These come from the emotional brain. Logic knows better, and like Paul, we are at war in our minds. We know what we ought to do but behave differently. What does this all have to do with relationships? Let's see....

2. We've been wounded by relationships

Just as attachment is our most basic need, isolation is our most injurious state. The most severe punishment in prisons is solitary confinement. God recognizes our need for attachment because the entire message of the gospel is reconciliation to God and with others. We don't live out heart wounds as a result of anything but wounds from relationships. We don't have lifelong anger because of a broken bone as a child. We have lifelong anger because of experiences with other people such as rejection. (We're removing medical conditions here because I'm not qualified to speak on these implications.)

A child who doesn’t receive healthy messages that promote bonding may unintentionally sabotage relationships throughout his/her life. Fear of loss is the foundation of this individual's relational skills.

A child learns about bonding and attachment when both mom and dad love him/her. The relationships extend to other family members who reinforce the message and eventually other community members. The lesson the child learns is that there is affection enough that can meet the need for attachment in more than one person. They have the freedom of multiple relationships. On the other hand, a child who has lost a parent or who is emotionally torn between parents and forced to choose one or the other may learn to 'hoard' friendships. The pressure on the friend to meet the needs of this person is so great that the friendship doesn't last. The result is difficulty in achieving and maintaining intimacy. The breakdown might be one in a string of unresolved emotions.

3. We avoid intimacy in relationships to avoid future pain.

The bible warns us to ‘watch over our hearts with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.’ Our hearts store information that is most often not available to our cognative memory. We react to the world around us based upon assumptions that have been established before our minds could think with logic. These experiences have told us if the world is safe or not.

The child who has been reared in a loving safe environment will see his/her world differently than a child who has been ignored or abused. One child uses infant cries to express his/her needs and they are met by a loving parent. The child eventually exchanges the cries to language and learns that needs are met when expressed.

Another child uses infant cries to express his/her needs but they aren't met by a loving parent. Instead the parent, who is most often emotionally absent, ignores the need or at most meets the need without the affection that creates bonding and a feeling of security.

Assuming these messages continue for these two children over time, we will see very different behavioral patterns when they each enter Kindergarten. A child who has not been taught these lessons, but instead lived in isolation, fear or anxiety see's the world through different eyes.

Each time a person reaches out to another, the social skills learned as a child come into play. Without learning new skills, the child raised in an emotionally absent home will most likely not obtain new results. This reinforces an underlying belief system that might include, "I am not likeable," "I have nothing interesting to offer another person," or many other internal statements.

Consider the adult who has had years of failed relationships that began as a child. Each time he/she reaches out and fails the messages are only engrained deeper and stronger. Rather than be hurt again, the person chooses to keep all relationships at a safe distance. Fear strikes if anyone gets close to their emotional core. So they push them away using many different possible tactics. Anger, drama, or any learned behavior will work. The un-stated thought that is dominating their mind (limbic system) is that they cannot allow anyone close or there is a strong possibility that they'll again feel the pain of rejection. They believe that complete intimacy is out of their reach. Having partial intimacy is better than no intimacy. So they keep things superficial.

4. The very thing we fear is the very thing we need!

Relationships...Yet it's the hardest thing to capture. Before we risk pain we'll try anything else. Most often this is very unconscious. Let's say that I've had a difficult break-up of a friendship. I go home and check out what's in the frig and gobble down a quart of ice cream. There is an internal peace because the body is soothed by the food. We would never state outloud that ice cream is how we comfort ourselves. The logic brain knows better than that. However, the emotional brain see's it differently. The emotional brain tags the difficult event as being soothed with ice cream. The next time this solution is explored and works, no logic can tell the emotional brain it's wrong. Each occurance sets the message in stone. It's very difficult to break.

In our program for homeless women with children, we begin by establishing a safe environment where the families can rest, be heard without judgment, and become grounded in relationships through experience. It's a beautiful thing watching how the women support each other and build each other up. The classes that are offered help the logic brain - but it's the relationships that are EXPERIENCED that begin healing the limbic brain.

Okay, it's time to see how this first post works - and if anyone out there can access it. Wish me luck!