Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Two parts of your brain

All species are created with various gifts to aid in survival. Some have size, some speed, and some strength. Some are given beaks, some teeth, some wings, and some hands. Humans were given a brain with amazing abilities and yet difficult limitations.

Internal organs were given to effect bodily functions that allow us to adapt to our environments. Vessels carry blood and nutrients to organs and muscles pump the blood. Sleep is given to restore the internal systems. All systems were placed under a regulator that manages body temperature, heart-rate and blood flow to name a few. Working together, these systems are designed to keep organisms in a state of homeostasis.

Homeostasis is balance – this is important to remember. Your body is always trying to maintain balance. Still able to respond to the stimuli around us, our bodies strive to find balance to maintain life at an optimum level. This is all driven by the brain. The brain is a marvelous organ. Our bodies are directed by the brain to step it up when we need to address a threat, and to balance us out when the threat is removed. However, our bodies were not meant to stay in a heightened state for long periods of time. This entry will discuss two parts of our brain that work together and often against each other to maintain safety and live in a state of homeostasis. The limbic system and the neo-cortex will be broken down in a simplistic way to explain the activities of our brains.

If you form a fist with your thumb being inside the fingers, this represents the two parts of the brain that we'll be talking about. The fingers represent the front of your head and the back of your hand represents the back of the head with the spinal column going down your wrist. This is what we will refer to as the 'neo-cortex' or thinking part of the brain. The thumb represents the small but powerful 'limbic system' that is tucked deep inside your brain.

The limbic system, known as the reptilian brain, performs functions necessary for survival. It’s responsible for all of our automated responses such as heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, etc. We have little control in responses to these areas. This is why lie detector tests work. The limbic system is responsible for life and death functions. It therefore processes all information as safe or dangerous. The limbic system doesn't understand time or reason - it processes experience, not information. This is why you can hear music from your youth and be prompted to buy that 9-CD set of oldies music. Your limbic system remembers the experience as happy and prompts you to act on the request. It can recall such a memory as pleasant or painful based on the emotions that were recorded in association to the experience. If it's pleasant, it wants to experience it again. If the memory was painful the limbic system wants to avoid it at all costs.

Fun sidenote...

The Gottman Institute hosts a couple retreat weekend to find out what makes healthy relationships work. They have explored the science of how our bodies function in spite of what we say. We know the old saying, 'Actions speak louder than words.' This is true as our instictive responses say more about what we really believe than our words often do.

At the Gottman Institute, couples are video taped in an apartment laboratory as they discuss how their day went, read, and simply spent time together. Each partner wears halter monitors that measured two channels on an electrocardiogram, urine samples measure stress hormones, blood samples measure their immune systems... all while people in the other room recorded facial expressions to discover more about how their emotions match behaviors. Other than that, it is like an ordinary bed and breakfast experience. :) They learned that the art and science of love and relationships rests within the brain. You can find out more about their findings by visiting the website http://www.gottman.com/.

The limbic portion of the brain directs survival behaviors and initiates the gotta-have-it responses when it senses cravings being initiated by the body. The three primal survival behaviors are eating, avoid being eaten, and reproducing – and are all driven by the limbic system. Without a focus on these three areas, each species would cease to exist – thus life and death are the only concepts understood by the limbic system. Whether foraging for food (ancient activities) or ordering Chinese on the phone (today’s version), or swimming up stream to spawn (animal responses to reproduction) or squeezing into a tight pair of jeans (today’s responses to reproduction), the limbic system is what drives these behaviors.

The limbic system takes in data from our internal and external environments to determine the relative importance of the information as it relates to a threat. It does most of this work unconsciously. It is scanning what we need for survival and then sends messages to the neo-cortex to get the task carried out at a conscious level. While sitting in a meeting, the limbic system is continually scanning the environment. It assesses the temperature in the room, the tension of those involved, the sounds around the room, the smells, and even distance between people. It does all of this at about 100 times faster than the neo-cortex can process and it is all at a subconscious level. When the limbic system believes something to be of importance, that is it threats your comfort, it will send a message to the neo-cortex to get it's imput. All addictive and destructive behaviors are born within the limbic system.

It's important to note something about addictive behaviors here before we move on, lest you think you have no addictive behaviors. At Acres of Hope, our women explore more than 30 areas of addictive behavior. Addiction is considered a chronic and compulsive drive/desire for a substance, behavior or activity that results in a way of coping or 'making it' through. There are socially unacceptable addictions such as drugs, gambling, pornography, or alcohol. However, there are more socially acceptable addictions than unacceptable; many of which we rarely ever classify as addictions. In fact, some are encouarged, such as becoming a work-a-holic. We give pay raises for this addiction. Shopping, busyness, eating, arguing, drama, smoking, sexual promiscuity, and many other addictions can also get the best of us. Back to the lesson.

Let’s follow the need to eat as one example of how the limbic system works. The body begins to run out of nutrients needed to function at optimal levels and the limbic system addresses this by generating hunger pains. The hunger pains tells our neo-cortex to focus our attention and create stressors in the body that motivate us to take action and eliminate the pain – the craving for food. The brain releases dopamine which signals the body to act. The amount of dopamine depends upon the amount of stress – or lack of nutrients needed to keep the body running efficiently. The faster and greater the rise of dopamine, the more powerful the response. Dopamine is at its highest when we are actively seeking the food to eliminate the pain. We have little power over the commands of dopamine. It will begin with small amounts of dopamine that cause us to crave - and we'll search for what we like. However, if the need is not met, larger amounts of dopamine set in to cause the hunt for food to become more focused. At this time, any meal will work - it simply has to relieve the hunger pains.

Serotonin, on the other hand, generally works opposite dopamine and generates the 'got it' message once sufficient food has entered the body. Serotonin tells the body that it’s satisfied and that the hunt for food can end. As serotonin rises, dopamine decreases and the body is in a satisfied state – balanced. At the peak of enjoying the meal, both dopamine and serotonin are high. When the belly feels satisfied and safe, dopamine begins to decline and the body is once again in balance. The craving for food is gone.

Consider any addictive behavior that you might have, including staying busy! Think about how your body is functioning during these times by noting the underlined words above. The key word that kicks off addictive or compulsive behavior is 'pain' then 'take action.' Let's assume you're someone who stays busy 24/7. This is often a compulsive or addictive behavior yet we've believed it's just how we're wired. One way to know the difference is to stop for a significant amount of time and deny yourself the activity of being busy. (Substitute any behavior or substance here.) What thoughts, emotions or feelings come up for you? Really listen to your body and mind and be honest with yourself no matter how silly or absurd it sounds. You may be surprised to find that you are driven by guilt, shame, fear of being rejected, fear of thoughts you want to avoid, and numerous other hidden drivers. We'll talk later about what to do with this new information. For now let's continue with our overview of the limbic and neo-cortex systems.

Due to its purpose for survival, the limbic system does not understand information. This means that you can’t over-ride the limbic system by reciting information (cake isn’t good for me.) The limbic system doesn’t understand timelines. Instead it brings up memory based upon experiences. It’s the neo-cortex part of the brain that connects the experience (sensation) with a time. For example, you can smell an apple pie and have the same emotions you did when grandma made apple pies for you as a child. Your neo-cortex understands that it was many years ago when this happened. However, the limbic system understands the smell as current with all of the emotions that were attached to it back then. Furthermore, the limbic system stores information based upon experience. That means that it can only be over-ridden by (or learn new behaviors) experiences we feed it most often. This means that we have to try the very thing we're afraid of.

The neo-cortex, on the other hand is where information is stored and logic plays a role. We categorize information in this part of the brain for later use. We attend classes, learn information, store what we’ve learned, and retrieve it for later use. If, however, the information is contrary to the experiences that the limbic system has stored – there becomes a battle within the mind over which part of the brain will win out in making choices. This is where our instinct challenges what we 'know' to be true.

To demonstrate why this is important, think about a child who has experienced neglect and abuse over a lifetime. As an adult, what messages might this child have stored in the limbic system based upon his/her experiences. While trying to maintain an adult relationship, he/she knows logically how they are to behave - yet old emotions keep getting in the way. If not dealt with properly, the once hurt child, now grown adult either lives with guilt and shame because he/she cannot behave properly or the emotions are stuffed and a behavior has to keep them at bay.

As shown in the diagram to the right, the limbic system is responsible for our drive to live or our instinct. We share this part of the brain with all animals. The neo-cortex is responsible for our higher life form to make wise choices and live differently than animals.

Let us Reason: Since our limbic system is in charge of impulses that are driven from emotions and a will to live (be safe), it is in constant competition with the neo-cortex that operates solely on information. When the information being sent by the limbic system is in contrast to the information held in the neo-cortex, there is a battle within the mind. One side must win out and override the other in order for a decision to be made. The limbic system will most often win this battle unless we step in logically and challenge the emotions. In what ways do you override the limbic system with reason?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Change the way you see situations

The way we see situations are driven by a ‘spirit-led life’ vs. a ‘flesh-led’ life. A Spirit-led life is when we can recognize how God would have us behave or think. It becomes thoughts and emotions that benefit us and others around us. When led by our emotions, we can be deceived and thus life a flesh-led life, which is often destructive. Consider the following diagram and how a Spirit-led life is similar to ABT and a flesh-led life is similar to DBT.

Spirit-Led.................................................Flesh-Led
(ABT).......................................................(DBT)


<---------live here....... don't live here --------->


Compare situations you’ve recently been involved with. From which side did you respond? If you’re questioning whether or not your actions or thoughts are spirit or flesh led, you’re probably too close to the center and need to re-align yourself further to one side or the other. Where do ‘entitlement’ thoughts appear? Entitlement thoughts are things we think we have the right to - or how others should treat us based on 'us!' They are very subtle. Every thought is either spirit-led (ABT) or flesh-led (DBT). The way we think is a learned behavior. Consider how your thoughts are or are not like your parents. It could be that your parents passed down their way of thinking (positive or negative) and you simply followed suit by doing what you saw. On the other hand, you could have witnessed thinking that you didn't agree with and therefore 'learned' to do the opposite. Either way, our thought patterns are learned behaviors shaped by many people in our lives, not just our parents.

The elephant depicted in this picture grew up with a rope tying him to a small stake. The rope and stake held him in place as a baby elephant. He learned that he could only go so far because he was tied up and so he eventually gave up trying. As an adult elephant we can see that he could easily lift that stake out of the ground – but his belief system lies to him daily – so he stays tied to the stake. People often suffer from the same syndrome of believing we are unable to make progress in areas as an adult because we couldn’t as a child. It’s important that we change our perspective to see the truth of what we can actually accomplish or, like the elephant, we risk limitation for the rest of our life.

What is your stake? Identify something in your life that keeps you limited by false ropes.

The wider the lens…the better the view! Our responses are negative when our focus is narrow. We see more clearly when we can see the big picture. When facing difficult problems, look long, look wide. Look at what’s behind and what’s in front of you. Look to the left. Look to the right. Examine the situation. Determine the problems and see through them. Extract the opportunities. Be relentless in searching every angle. The more you see, the more you have to work with.

God see’s things from a very wide lens. He can see all things while we cannot. This means that only He knows the ‘truth.’ However, our ‘reality’ often feels like the truth but is really own perception of a situation. It isn’t always truth but can feel very real to us. Separating the truth from our reality is very difficult because we have strong emotions attached to the situation. The further we are from these emotions, we will make more logical choices. We teach balance in life because leaning to any one side is dangerous. For example, making solely emotional choices is very destructive because we lack the ability to objectively look at a situation. On the other extreme is when we make solely logical choices without allowing emotions enter the equation. This can be harmful to us and to others. Do you agree with this? Think about practical examples that you can experiment with.

All conflicts have a basic issue to be resolved. Each side has something he/she wants to accomplish. In addition, all conflicts have emotions surrounding them. We can resolve a conflict but have strong emotions left over. the emotions wrap themselves around the problem so that we think that the original problem (usually someone else) is the issue when in fact it's really the emotion attached to the problem. We are responsible for addressing the emotions or they will appear in other situations. We are also responsible for understanding these emotions in order that they don't get the better of us.

Let’s assume that the problem is your roommate, spouse, or child has once again left dishes on the counter. You are irritated because you’ve expressed your frustration with this behavior over and over and it doesn’t appear that you’re being heard. You can have the conversation one more time and the perceived problem gets resolved…that is, the dishes are taken care of.

However, you still have left-over emotions and simply solving the problem doesn’t seem to be enough. What do you do? You’ll need to identify your emotion, the belief behind the emotion, and the need connected to the emotion. We’ll get into these steps more throughout in future blogs. But for now it’s important to understand that they way you see situations include the core problem as well as the surrounding emotions. These surrounding emotions are now a 'new' problem that needs to be resolved. Your emotions have been threatened and kick into high gear seeking resolution.

Think of a situation that is real to you where your emotions were very strong. Can you separate the problem from the situation? What thoughts or emotions are connected to the situation? What would it look like to solve the problem? What thoughts or emotions would be left over for you to address? If you're truly honest with yourself, you might hear various thoughts, beliefs or emotions come up that you instinctively want to reject. But before you reject them, try to sit with them for a while. They are real thoughts, beliefs or emotions that you are having - so try to resolve them rather than ignore or stuff them. Otherwise they'll only come back later - and probably stronger.

Shift from a threat to a challenge. ABT begins in the privacy of your mind. Every thought leads to ABT or DBT. You have internal conversations with yourself before you utter a word to anyone else. Stop and listen to what your body, your emotions, and your thoughts are saying to you. Determine what need is being threatened or not met. Find the challenge of success.

Breathe & Pause – Whenever a problem arises, your first gut reaction may be alarm. Your body’s natural defense mechanism switches on, and all systems are armed and aimed at fighting or fleeing the threat. Every communication breakdown, missed deadline, and costly mistake heightens your focus as you feel a shot of adrenaline restricting your thoughts and speeding your actions. What you may not be aware of is that your breathing changes too. Your breathing becomes shallow (from your chest, not your abdomen) and the intervals between breaths are much shorter.

A simple yet powerful tool you have at your disposal is breath control – the ability to shift your body out of a threat reaction into a challenge response by focusing on your breathing. Slow it down! Take five or six deep breaths. Breathing deeply facilitates ABT. You become more creative and less reactive. It puts you in charge of dealing more effectively with the threat at hand. It triggers the excitement of being challenged and dissolves the fear of being threatened. Try it!

Hindsight + Insight = Foresight

Create a positive G.A.P.

G – Gratitude for those people who hung in there or who help.
A – Appreciation for the bounty and blessings life and living have to offer.
P – Perspective of which priorities are really important.

People are attracted to ABT. It builds support, commitment and dedication of others. Think about it, who would you rather work with, and ABT or a DBT?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Change the way you see others

It’s difficult to stay strong in Asset-Based Thinking (ABT) when others turn away your ideas or don’t follow this kind of thinking. You’ll benefit from positive filters that help you get more traction when others seem to be going against the grain of ABT. You’ll begin to see others as an asset and recognize he/she is a work in progress. You’ll reduce your impact to angry outbursts, accusatory language, difficult behaviors, or the scapegoating of others. You’ll be able to deflect their disturbing behavior, suspend judgment, and investigate interests, needs and motives behind the surface that fuels negative behavior.

Two common traits that broken people share is 1. The need to sit in our pain and 2. The need for others (even those who weren't a part of the cause) to fix it. Let me explain as I was a subscriber to this way of living far too long! Matthew 18:7 says, "Woe to the world because of its stumbling blocks! For it is inevitable that stumbling blocks come; but woe to that man through whom the stumbling block comes!"

The first thing that I see here is that Jesus is announcing (quite plainly) that things will happen to us - life won't be easy. But secondly He's also announcing that we're not to be the one through whom these troubles come. Yet we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God - so things WILL and DO come through us - unfortunately. Finally, I see that He's saying that there is a consequence when it does come through us.

With that said, let me say that hurting people hurt other people! Repeat that if it didn't sink in. If you read that and think, "Of course, many have hurt me..." then you didn't hear it correctly. Also, if you read that sentance and CAN'T think to yourself, "that's why they hurt me..." then you didn't hear it correctly. It's packed with truth.

Where does sin start? As far as we're concerned sin started wherever it affected me! Now we wouldn't say that out loud because it's crazy thinking. Yet, it's certainly how we instinctively respond in our hearts. Those who sinned against us were sinned against! We need to address our bitterness toward them no matter how disgusting or harmful the sin was and live with grace and forgiveness. That doesn't mean we don't have boundaries nor do we agree with them. It simply means that having judgment and bitterness only serves to harm us - not them. Forgiveness isn't for the offender - it's for the forgiver!

Also, we need to address the probability that we're hurting others. When we recognize our pain, allow God to heal it and move on - that's what healthy is. Jesus came to give us life and give it more abundantly. But when we recognize our pain and find some sick strength in living in it - constantly making it known and never healing - we cannot say that we've found Christ in it! That's not how He does it!

People have hurt us - and we've hurt people. So if you read any of these posts and think to yourself that you know someone who needs to hear this because of how they've treated you - you're reading with the wrong motive. It is always first, and foremost, for you...the reader!

Simply by applying what's in here the world around you will change! You can't change anyone - only yourself! But when that happens it seems that the whole world has changed. Now that doesn't mean to sweep it under the rug and ignore what has happened. We need to deal with the thoughts, emotions and beliefs we have. We need to be accountable to them on a daily basis. Even if they were put there by someone else's actions or words - they are ours now. It's time to take them captive and determine who is in charge - the thoughts/beliefs/emotions or me?

We were all born with instinctive positive filters that allow for ABT. Think of how children assume the best. Unfortunately, the positive filters have been overshadowed and shut down by Deficit-Based Thinking (DBT). You can regain ABT skills by praising and acknowledging people for what they have done. See each individual as an asset and recognize that they, like you, are a work in progress.

Conflict magnifies who you are. It startles you and challenges you to see what makes you uncomfortable. It pushes your boundaries, intellectual thinking, emotional well-being, and physical safety. Conflict, if treated properly, offers the chance to change your mind altogether.

When our emotions are in tact (low and manageable) we have more access to the logic part of our brain. However, when emotions begin to rise, the ability to think logically drops. The stronger emotions are the less cognitive (thinking) ability we have. So how you see others - and whether or not you allow them under your skin - will impact your ability to make wise choices.

When faced with conflict, explore the possibility that opposing forces can both be right (true) simultaneously. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person by asking, "What must he/she believe about the situation in order to behave/believe the way they do?" Also, explore the possibility that though another's opinion may not be 'truth' it IS there opinion nonetheless! Compassion and grace causes us to try to empathize with them enough to understand how they got to that belief.

Taking this perspective – and giving up your instinctual perspective – immediately dissolves animosity and piques curiosity. You find yourself wondering, “What’s their reality? Where is the value on their side?” When you finally give up the belief that yours is the only truth, it changes the game forever! Now you’re in a position to see what new truth you can create together.

Focus + Distance = Clarity

The closer we are to a situation the less we are able to see. We need to step back (emotionally) and have emotional distance to see situations clearly.

Deconstruct – You can diffuse your negative reactions by asking yourself, “What would I be thinking or feeling if I behaved the way they did?” Once you realize that disturbing or irritating behavior is an integral part of everyone’s repertoire, you can choose to be less reactive. You can choose to accept people for who they are and who they aren’t. You facilitate constructive relationships.

Reconstruct – Use ABT to replace the picture you have of the other person’s negative attitudes and behaviors. Choose to remind yourself of his/her strengths and most attractive qualities. Bring a more accurate picture into focus based upon the positive assessment. This new point of view is an asset to moving forward in the relationship.

Everyone is on a continuum of learning. Consider, for example, a skill such as working on a computer. The chart below indicates a continuum of learning in this area. Some people have absolutely no typing or computer skills and would be lost on a computer. Others are masters and can program. Where would you rate yourself?

X-----------------------X--------------------------X------------------------X
No skill-----------Can get by-------------Pretty efficient-------------Master

Think about your patience for those who rate lower than you. Think about how you view those who rate higher than you. How might someone view you in this area? What about other areas? Think about areas that you’re great at and areas that you’re not such a pro. Are you able to allow others to be in a different place on the continuum of learning and ability than you? Are you able to allow yourself to be in a different place than others? This is where Grace comes in!

We are all somewhere on a continuum for any area in our life. Sometimes we’ve mastered a skill or concept and should be available to help those who are struggling in this area. Other times we have little or no skill in an area and should look to others for help. Everyone is good at something and everyone is bad at something. Learning to see others this way can help us ‘forgive’ or have patience.

ABT fosters speedy resolutions – not hasty ones. Take time to get beyond the noise of defenses. Formulate your message and tell the truth fast. State the behavior that bothers you very clearly using “I” statements. State the impact the behavior had upon you and the relationship – remember it’s the relationship you’re trying to save…not yourself! Present a positive solution of how to resolve the conflict. Finally, be willing to accept the other person’s response. Hint: You may resolve a conflict but there may be leftover emotions – these are a clue to a need that you have. However, they aren’t always the reason behind the conflict.

What about situations when the other person(s) is unwilling or unable to reconstruct or repair a relationship? What do we do with the hopelessness in this situation? Consider Lynn.

Lynn met her mother as an adult but never really developed a relationship because of the geographical distance between them. Lynn learned that her mother was dying so she flew to visit her. During her visit the family asked Lynn if she could pay for the funeral expenses for her mother as none of them had the money. Lynn replied by letting the family members know she also lacked the funds to help. The family became bitter with Lynn and loaded her with the guilt of her dying mother not having a proper burial.

The family blamed Lynn for holding grudges against her mother. They couldn't see any other reasons behind Lynn's decision. As a result, the family broke all ties with Lynn. Lynn went home with much sadness and processed this with God. She asked God how she could recover from the pain since the family wouldn’t believe her and she couldn’t make them understand that she would help if she could.

God gave her a glimpse of her mom in heaven. He gave her peace in knowing that her mom would see the truth of situations once she’s left this earth. The same is true for the other family members. What God wanted Lynn to understand is that she didn’t need to prove herself to anyone other than her heavenly Father. Trusting in God to make the situation right meant letting go of the outcome she sought and see it through a heavenly perspective. Lynn would receive no resolution this side of heaven - but still needed to resolve the left-over emotions.

We are so bound by limitations that we often hang onto despair or other thoughts and emotions. This isn’t how God intended it to be for us. We can’t always see the truth the way God see’s it. But we can hope in the fact that there will be a day when all will be revealed. He will make the wrongs right – but we might have to give up our expectation and accept His way.


Find others to imitate! The fastest way to learn something is to imitate a role model. We learned to walk, talk and speak by watching those around us. Imitate what you admire in others who handle their emotions well, and practice the skills you see to acquire for yourself. Become a student rather than a judge. Enjoy the differences of people! Enjoy seeing the world through ABT!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Knock someone's socks off today!

Who are you? How would you describe yourself to a stranger? How would you present yourself to old friends at a reunion? Are you your job? Are you a wife/husband; parent; or are you defined by character traits of yours? How would others define you? Take a minute and write out what you affirm as your identity.

Consider the following questions regarding ‘who you are.’

1. Do circumstances change the core of who you are? Consider any description of who you identify yourself as and determine how you would function if it were removed.

2. Does the opinion(s) of others change the core of who you are? If you describe yourself as a hard worker, would it weaken your identity if someone didn't think of you as a hard worker? How do you respond to a situation like that?

3. Does your opinion change the core of who you are? If someone saw a quality in you that you didn't agree with, would it change the truth? Or would it change your reality?

4. Who defines you? You give power to anyone that you allow define you. If you've taken on a role because someone else has told you to (you're stupid, you can never do that, etc.) then they have power over you - your confidence. If you define yourself you are limited by the filters that you live within. Why not let God define you? What would He say about you? Who are you to Him? He made you in His image and He also made you unique. He doesn't see you through the filters that we do. He isn't subject to the opinions that we are.

Three successes: Principle of ABT – Magnify what’s best – focus on what’s next! This principle requires that you be keenly aware of who you are and what you’re capable of. Take a moment and list three small recent successes.

1. _______________________________________________
2. _______________________________________________
3. _______________________________________________

Begin to focus on these (and other) small successes rather than the short-comings. When you magnify what’s best, it’s easier to focus on what’s next. Be careful – don’t take your eyes off of these or doubt and fear will take its place. The choice is yours. It starts from the inside and becomes evident on the outside – not the other way around.

What's next? What are your goals. Let's say that in 5 years you want to have accomplished "xyz" or that when you die you want to be known for "xyz." It's the small steps that you take today that will get you there. You won't just wake up one morning and have accomplished goals, it's the day to day decisions that we make all of the time that are the sum of who we are.

Goal setting: Start your day with five minutes to focus on what you want. What are your goals? What kind of parent do you want to be? What do you want your kids to turn out like? What kind of spouse, worker, employer, etc. do you want to be known as? Get these goals in your mind so that you step in that direction intentionally rather than by waiting to accidentally succeeding.

What would you have to do today to get closer to that goal?

Begin finding small successes for you to build upon. Avoid the need for perfection!!! Allow yourself to make mistakes and love yourself in spite of them. Sometimes the wrong way can open us up to new experiences. Rather than beat yourself up for these times, learn to enjoy the moment. When facing a challenging situation where you doubt yourself, try this exercise.

1. Tell yourself out loud what you are expecting. We often lack success because we either don’t define what we expect or our expectations are too high. Set a reasonable expectation. Don’t demand perfection.

2. Imagine the worst-case scenario. Next to that imagine the best-case scenario.

3. Choose to filter out the images of the worst-case scenario by checking the facts and making a plan to deal with them. Watch yourself going towards the best-case scenario.

4. Feel the challenge rather than the threat.

5. The next step is to radically accept the outcome. Praise yourself for any part of the success even if you stumbled. Do you know that many people stop short of success because they're actually afraid of maintaining success?

6. Ask yourself what skills you have to do something different next time or what you learned so you can be pro-active next time.

Both DBT and ABT are addictive! Which will you feed? Rather than using the negative energy of DBT that is constantly on high alert (anxiety), trade the adrenaline being pumped for energy that is turning on your imagination for outcomes! Visualize the possible. Visualize yourself being resourceful. The story isn’t over yet – each day gives you the opportunity to begin again!

Knock someone’s socks off today!

End the day by telling yourself an ABT bedtime story. Just before you fall asleep, review the day’s events and create a story from the point of view of how you realized your vision for the day. Recount the goals you pursued and how you made strides. Note all tangible evidences of success. Ask yourself, “Whose socks did I knock off today?”

Monday, September 14, 2009

Asset-Based Thinking

The next several blogs will be about our thought processes. Our thoughts get in our way so often and we're told in the bible to "Take every thought captive." This means that we should slow down the process of our thinking and pay attention to what thoughts we allow to enter our minds. The full verse (2 Corinthians 10:5) says, We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

This implies that we have thoughts (speculations) that are destructive. We also have thoughts that go against the knowledge of God. Have you ever had thoughts like that? I have! When we think poorly of ourselves (or others) we are having destructive speculations and it certainly isn't how God see's us (or others.) So we'll start a process of taking captive our thoughts. From there we can see how our thoughts impact the direction of our lives.

We'll start with Asset-Based Thinking (ABT).

Asset-based thinking (ABT) focuses upon opportunities rather than problems, strengths more than weaknesses, what can be done instead of what can’t. Focusing on what is right builds enthusiasm and energy, strengthens relationships, and moves us toward progress.

After 9/11, Mayor Rudy Giuliani focused his thinking (and the media’s attention) on making acts of heroism more meaningful than acts of terrorism.

Oprah Winfrey devotes time and talent to spotlight people who live lives inspired by purpose and passion, dispelling the myth that the drama of dysfunction is the only thing that sells.

ABT is a choice – not a personality trait.

ABT is NOT blind optimism, a quick fix or deficit-based thinking (DBT). DBT focuses on what’s not working and slows progress. DBT see’s people and circumstances from a negative angle.

Here are some examples of DBT and ABT:

DBT Message / ABT Message
Not this again... / At least I know how to deal with this.
Watch out! / Heads up!
Why didn't you.... / What was in your way?
That won't work.... / What could work?
Oh no! Not again... / Things could be better, but I've seen this before
I'll never make it... / Put one foot in front of the other and move.
That's just the way life is... / Whatever it is...I'll work with it.
That's impossible... / What is possible?
It's not good enough. / Forget perfection!
He's out of his mind... / What makes him tick?
I'll never get this done... / This will take longer than expected.
This sucks! / I'm disappointed.
What's the matter with me? / What am I learning?
How could you let this happen? / What have you learned from this?
Once again, you've fallen short. / Step back up to the plate.
Get out of my way. / Here I come.
If only.... / Hindsight is 20-20.
They just don't get it. / They disagree.
How did I miss that? / I missed that!
Whose fault is that? / What's done is done. Move on!
Why didn't I do this or that? / What can I do better next time?
I can't... / I will.
That'll never change. / How can I get around this?

DBT people exhaust our energy. They complain, blame others for problems and see the negative in most situations. If we become a DBT person, we're exhausted and probably see signs of unhappy relationships around us.

ABT requires that we recognize and get rid of ANTS (automatic negative thoughts.) These are sometimes so unconscious that we don’t realize that we’re buying into them. Here are nine ANTS that you should avoid:

1. Black and White (all or nothing / always or never) thinking.
2. Negative thinking – the glass is always half full, or why something won’t work, the worst in someone or something.
3. Fortune-telling – Acting on assumptions of what will happen rather than letting the outcome tell itself.
4. Mind-reading – Assuming what someone else is thinking, believing or why they behave the way they do.
5. Led by feelings – Believing that feelings are truth and allowing them to be the instrument by which decisions are made.
6. Guilt beatings – Should of / would of / could of / ought to have thoughts that bring guilt.
7. Labeling – Attaching labels to self or others based upon past experience or information.
8. Personalization – Assuming that events or conversations have personal meaning.
9. Blaming – Blaming others or situations for own problems.

Taking these thoughts captive (killing the ANTS) is critical for growth. Thoughts can be ‘re-framed’ to bring truth instead of automatically seeing the negative. For example, regarding black and white thinking you might think, “You NEVER listen to me.” Instead, you can take the though captive and re-frame the sentence to say, “I don’t feel heard. I get frustrated when you don’t listen to me, but I know you have listened to me in the past and will again.”

Regarding mind-reading you might think, “She doesn’t like me.” Instead, you can take the thought captive and re-frame the sentence to say, “I don’t know if she doesn’t like me. Maybe she’s having a bad day. She’s a person too.”

ABT in action – Here are some activities you can do to check your ABT abilities.

Dinner Talk: Sit down to dinner and ask everyone in your family to share the best thing about their day. This allows them to relive their high-points. Everyone is engaged and dinner becomes another high point.

Challenge ANTS: Write a typical thought you have for each ANT and write a way that you can re-frame the thought.

ABT vs. DBT: Observe your thinking over the next week. Note the times that you think from ABT vs. DBT. See which of these two you are feeding the most. You might be surprised!

The great news is that it's never too late to learn a new skill. Become an ABT person today!!!

God bless.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Where emotional pain resides

I am learning about blogging and though experimenting at this time, I thougth I should have something to say. I've titled my blog "Destructive Cycles" because of my passion for challenging the belief systems that drive destructive behaviors. I hope to use this blog not only as a tool for learning how to blog, but perhaps to provide useful information to someone out there - however it is that people get this information. So welcome to my journey - I hope I can provide something for someone.

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I run a program for homeless women with children in which we address a wide variety of issues. The issues include, but are not limited to, substance abuse, domestic violence, childhood abuse and trauma, sexual abuse and other issues that are all symptoms of the breakdown in family values.

As we try to address the reasons behind any one of these issues, such as homelessness, I have yet to find my instincts proven wrong as to the cause and affect of such debilitating occurances. Broken relationships. It's that simple, yet that complex. 1. We're designed (yes, I believe that God has designed/created us in His image) for relationships. 2. We've been wounded by relationships. 3. We avoid intimacy in relationships to avoid future pain. 4. The very thing we fear is the very thing we need! So how do we go forward and enjoy healthy relationships?

1. We're designed for relationships

Follow my logic here - and if you're someone who has been burned by, offended by, or simply can't stand religion...sift through for the non-bible stuff. It's in here, somewhere. First, we were created in God's image. God, the trinity, is the first example of relationships. God said, "It is not good for man to be alone." "Two are better than one...a cord of three is not easily broken." We need other people.

The law of physics states that things that are isolated move toward deterioration. Junk heaps will turn into rustier junk heaps. Vegetables will turn into mold. Spiritually speaking this is true also. The ultimate punishment of sin is hell – being cut off from God. This is so severe that God sent His son to be ‘separated’ from Him in order to restore mankind. (Isaiah 53:8 He was cut off out of the land of the living.) Your ‘attachment muscle’ needs to be exercised or it will not grow properly but rather deteriorate. (quote from Hiding from Love by Dr. John Townsend.)

Doctors work hard at making sure that newborn babies bond as quickly as possible with their mothers, making birth a welcoming experience. From there we spend a significant amount of time making sure that the child has a sense of belonging and safety. Thousands of experiences relate this message in subtle ways. The child internalizes the message of belonging which serves as a foundation when the child begins to explore and wander beyond the life of the parents. As mentioned in Ephesians 3:17, we are then ‘rooted in love.’ We are attached.

When painful experiences occur outside the safety net of families, we have a place to run back to. We are comforted and then venture out again. This reassurance that the world is a safe place to live in is a key element to emotional stability.

A child who panics when the mother leaves the room is reassured when she returns. These simple acts that are often not planned become lessons for the child in later years. The child learns, experientially and not logically, that absence doesn’t mean that we’re alone. Absence can be temporary but the emotional growth that occurs allows the child to grow and not ‘need’ to attach every moment with others. They become independent but able to attach in an imtimate manner.

The messages are tagged in the Limbic System portion of the brain. The limbic system is responsible for our safety - survival. Everything in this part of our brain is coded as safe or unsafe / life threatening or death! The limbic system doesn't understand time nor logic. It is the 'emotional brain.' It is well formed at birth and logs information based upon experiences. Loading the mind with information does little for this part of the brain. It responds only to experiences. This means that for healing to occur, the person must experience a new way of thinking. So attending a class does little for this part of the brain.

The neo-cortex or 'logic brain,' on the other hand, doesn't complete its growth until we're about 25 years old. The logic brain, in comparison to the emotional brain, stores information that we learn in classes. So I can teach you information but you won't fully internalize it until you practice it - that is...put it to the test so that both parts of the brain 'get it!'

Why is this important? If your emotional brain has one message (danger) yet your logic brain has another message (safety), which one wins out to get a response from you? Paul asks this question in Romans 7, "Why do I do the things that I don't want to do?" He goes on to say, "It's like I'm at war with my mind." He talks about sin winning out in him. The sin he is speaking of are the 'desires' or 'temptations' within him. These come from the emotional brain. Logic knows better, and like Paul, we are at war in our minds. We know what we ought to do but behave differently. What does this all have to do with relationships? Let's see....

2. We've been wounded by relationships

Just as attachment is our most basic need, isolation is our most injurious state. The most severe punishment in prisons is solitary confinement. God recognizes our need for attachment because the entire message of the gospel is reconciliation to God and with others. We don't live out heart wounds as a result of anything but wounds from relationships. We don't have lifelong anger because of a broken bone as a child. We have lifelong anger because of experiences with other people such as rejection. (We're removing medical conditions here because I'm not qualified to speak on these implications.)

A child who doesn’t receive healthy messages that promote bonding may unintentionally sabotage relationships throughout his/her life. Fear of loss is the foundation of this individual's relational skills.

A child learns about bonding and attachment when both mom and dad love him/her. The relationships extend to other family members who reinforce the message and eventually other community members. The lesson the child learns is that there is affection enough that can meet the need for attachment in more than one person. They have the freedom of multiple relationships. On the other hand, a child who has lost a parent or who is emotionally torn between parents and forced to choose one or the other may learn to 'hoard' friendships. The pressure on the friend to meet the needs of this person is so great that the friendship doesn't last. The result is difficulty in achieving and maintaining intimacy. The breakdown might be one in a string of unresolved emotions.

3. We avoid intimacy in relationships to avoid future pain.

The bible warns us to ‘watch over our hearts with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.’ Our hearts store information that is most often not available to our cognative memory. We react to the world around us based upon assumptions that have been established before our minds could think with logic. These experiences have told us if the world is safe or not.

The child who has been reared in a loving safe environment will see his/her world differently than a child who has been ignored or abused. One child uses infant cries to express his/her needs and they are met by a loving parent. The child eventually exchanges the cries to language and learns that needs are met when expressed.

Another child uses infant cries to express his/her needs but they aren't met by a loving parent. Instead the parent, who is most often emotionally absent, ignores the need or at most meets the need without the affection that creates bonding and a feeling of security.

Assuming these messages continue for these two children over time, we will see very different behavioral patterns when they each enter Kindergarten. A child who has not been taught these lessons, but instead lived in isolation, fear or anxiety see's the world through different eyes.

Each time a person reaches out to another, the social skills learned as a child come into play. Without learning new skills, the child raised in an emotionally absent home will most likely not obtain new results. This reinforces an underlying belief system that might include, "I am not likeable," "I have nothing interesting to offer another person," or many other internal statements.

Consider the adult who has had years of failed relationships that began as a child. Each time he/she reaches out and fails the messages are only engrained deeper and stronger. Rather than be hurt again, the person chooses to keep all relationships at a safe distance. Fear strikes if anyone gets close to their emotional core. So they push them away using many different possible tactics. Anger, drama, or any learned behavior will work. The un-stated thought that is dominating their mind (limbic system) is that they cannot allow anyone close or there is a strong possibility that they'll again feel the pain of rejection. They believe that complete intimacy is out of their reach. Having partial intimacy is better than no intimacy. So they keep things superficial.

4. The very thing we fear is the very thing we need!

Relationships...Yet it's the hardest thing to capture. Before we risk pain we'll try anything else. Most often this is very unconscious. Let's say that I've had a difficult break-up of a friendship. I go home and check out what's in the frig and gobble down a quart of ice cream. There is an internal peace because the body is soothed by the food. We would never state outloud that ice cream is how we comfort ourselves. The logic brain knows better than that. However, the emotional brain see's it differently. The emotional brain tags the difficult event as being soothed with ice cream. The next time this solution is explored and works, no logic can tell the emotional brain it's wrong. Each occurance sets the message in stone. It's very difficult to break.

In our program for homeless women with children, we begin by establishing a safe environment where the families can rest, be heard without judgment, and become grounded in relationships through experience. It's a beautiful thing watching how the women support each other and build each other up. The classes that are offered help the logic brain - but it's the relationships that are EXPERIENCED that begin healing the limbic brain.

Okay, it's time to see how this first post works - and if anyone out there can access it. Wish me luck!